WARNING: This essay is a bit of pure silliness written in the spirit of foolish optimism that this year should be better for all of us than this last year was; so if you’re not in a mood for something silly, you might want to try reading the Oxford English Dictionary instead which should keep you occupied for at least a year.

Note: For those of you not familiar with Richard Sheridan’s play The Rivals written in 1775 at the age of 23, he introduced the pompous and linguistically pretentious Mrs. Malaprop who became the epitome of one who misused words in egregious ways and generally abused language. Shakespeare had already used such devices and many writers and comics have subsequently employed them, but Mrs. Malaprop remains, as it were, the grand champagne.

I’m terribly tickled that I’ve been selected to provide you with relevations to guide the interstitial intercourse of your journeys through 2022. Since I have had this high honor stowed upon me, I have desiderated at length as to how to streamline all of this and delaminate all the clutter. Many of the signs are outmoded and have virtually no revelance to modernistic life, therefore, I shall replace them. Furthermore, it’s the height of preponderosity to have time frames overlapping between monthlies when we already have 12 perfectly good months and twelve signs in the references of signosity. All of this pompous ponderosity may have been suitable for the past old geezerinos but, in this high-trek age, we no longer require such fillosities. Therefore, we shall simply start with January and proceed from there with our own more revelant signs relating to natural and unnatural history of which everything is apart.

January. This month is, as you know, either very cold (Northern HemiSemiDemiSphere) or very hot (Southern HemiDemiSemiSphere). As a consequence, thermalosities are of virtually little use in making predictions. This applies as well to all that talk about the alignment of planetary and moonery bodies; in half the major overpopulation centers, you can’t see through the cloud cover at night 87.992% of the time and in the others, you can’t see through the smog 97.223% of the time. So, unless your astrolaborer lives on the Space Station, which I don’t, then none of this data is revalent, simplistically because it’s not available. So, my approach has always been directness, simplicity, and non-complexification. My approach involves both synesthesia and anesthesia. I use Tarrif Cards, large Quartz and Amythyst crystals, Oreo Snack Paks, Absinthe (the original Wormwood version), and Eye of Sir Isaac Newt (just kidding).

To you, my fateful believers, I offer my annual review completely free. For weekly daily forecasts, there is a fee and you can find out what that will be by requesting and completing a financial form available at Malaprop.horrorscope@greed.com. We also have an extensive catalog of items for sale. Hurry, don’t let your friends outcrass you.

So, what’s in store for January now that we’ve gotten all of those preluminaries out of the way, except for one; if you wish to make a donation, please use, PreyBuddy and send it to Malaprop.malaprop@malaprop.com.

January will start the year off with a slow progression into other months. Events will take place a day at a time, so refrain from acting preciptatiously, especially if it’s snowing or raining or screechingly hot. Under no circumstands should you launch into any new major enterprises; however, minor enterprises could be most regarding. If new creative opportunities come your way, ignore them, unless they are very good and offer a 7-figure salary. January can be regarded as a startup month–you keep having to get someone to help you startup your car, startup your new business, startup your Electron Microscope. So, clearly, January is a good month for starting up new ventures, unless you’re one of those con-genital losers.

Animal for January: Hellgrammite

Motto for January: Give ‘em Hell, that is, be aggressional.

Product for Bibulation (i.e., DRINK): Single Malt Scotch

February: This is the shortest month with only 28 miserable days and 29 on leap years which I have decided to eliminate so, from now on February will have 30 days just like all the others, because I plan to make some other adjustments as well. This nonsense of having 31 days, 28 days, is just stupid when we can make 12 months each with a nice round 30 days and then we have years with a nice sane 360 days and a five day vacation. The old rhyme will go, to help out those who are a bit slow: 30 days hath September, April, June, and November and all the rest have 30 including February which also has 30.

So, clearly, February is a month for revision and revolting against old absurdities. A lot of new facts have come to the forefort in this past year.

1) Any large number of people are stupid.

2) An even larger number are ignorant; that is, mis- or uninformed.

3) A colossal number of people are understandably interested only in that which allows them to muddle along making life messianic for the rest of us.

Those in categories 1) or 2) should never be allowed to vote or decide anything involulating pubic policy.

What this boils down to is that if the majority is for something, you had best examinate it thoreauly and septically and the same applies if the majority is against something. So, whenever you are making dscisions be certain to apply your mortal compass.

Animal for February: Tardigrade.

Motto for February: Questionify everything and every body.

DRINK: Cognac

March: The March of Time, March Tunes; One, Two, Three, March; The March Hare; Sousa, The March King; March Madness.

However, in spite of all that, March has never been a very popular month: it’s been regarded as rather blandacious, but mostly regarded as just a not very nice month in the Northern, Southern, or Middle Hemispheres. Well, something dramatic needs to be done to blandish that ora of the Idles of March. So, from now on, March will be known as the Month of Festivals. Religious groups have all kinds of celebrashing days, like St. Waldorf’s Day, St. Rottweiler’s Day, St. Godiva’s Day, St. Mephistopheles Day, and on and on. I propose that each day in March have a festival associated with it. Of course, we must have an International Ice Festival like the magnanimus one in Habin, China. Then for those in the Dessert Areas, we will have an International Camelot Race and Falconry Hunt. For the tropical forest places, we’ll need a Mosquito Safari and the one who bags the most mosquitos will win a Noble Prize. International Kangaroo Races in Austria and, as you can see, it will be very easy to fill up 30 days, culminating in the Festival of Fools on April 1.

Animal: March Hair

Motto: You haven’t won until everybody else has lost.

DRINK: Rum

April: A month of showers. So let’s stop this nonsense about June weddings. If there are going to be bridle showers, they should be in April, which will now officiously become the Month of Showers so, for Godliness’ Sake, if you haven’t bathed since Christmas, now’s the time! Well, there are showers of gold, snow showers, meatier showers, and cold showers.

So what kind of month is April going to be? Well obviously, it’s going to be bipolar, oscillating, indecisive, vacilliatory in extremis (and that hurts when it’s in the extremis), upsy-downsy–in other words, not a good month to invest or, on the other hand, perhaps a terrific month to invest. This is a good month for coin-flipping; just make sure it doesn’t have two heads or, on the other hand, two tails. Clearly, this is not a good month to read lovelorn columns or to try to date a computer.

Animal: Chameleon

Motto: If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it; but if you don’t, who will?

DRINK: Tequila

May: This, according to poets, is the month of flowers.

The very name of this month betokens indecisiveness; we may have success, we may not; we may have weather, we may not; we may win the lottery, we may not. Clearly, this is the month of procrasstinators. It is a month full of tintintabulation and fury signifying not very much or perhaps a great deal. If you are speculating on the stock market, you should possibly exercise some cautious boldness. Now, it may seem like May is very like April and possibly that’s so in certain respects, but not in others.

The saving grace of May over April is that it is less extreme and violent than April. This is a month in which you can make definitive, tenuous plans for planting gardens, making vacation reversations. I always have reversations regarding vaccations. A nice thing about May is that you can hear the children out playing and screaming and the rintintinabulations of their dogs. Instead of having public playgrounds, we should have caves, where children can pursue these activities unseen and unherd.

Animal: Sloth

Motto: Anything that can happen probably will or won’t.

DRINK: Brandy

June: this traditionally is the month of Holy Acrimony. Love emblooms and couples couple. This is a month which can cost parents a small fortune, if they have a lovesick son or daughter and God forbid they have twins. This is the perfect month for lollygrogging and not taking anything too siriusly. June is a mellow month desiduated to strolling, strumming, and stridulating. This is the month in which extremes are to be yeschewed.

Animal: Hummingbird

Motto: Heigh Ho Derrido, While Hegel Haggles.

DRINK: Vodka

July: This is a revolting month. It was in July that the storming of the Bastille transpired and the Yanks celebrated their War of Independence by issuing their Disclaimer.

So, this is the month in which to raise hellions and transformate old ways into new jars or something like that. The weather is untrustworthy and you may see turnados, whoricanes, drenching ranes, or even vulcanic eructions and drought. This is most definitively not a good time to invest in agriculture or insurance stocks.

Animal: Scorpion.

Motto: They shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruninghooks.

DRINK: Gin and Tonic

August: Well, old P.S. Elite got it wrong; August is the cruelest month. People want to escape from where they are and end up going to vacation in places which they discover they despicate when they get there, especially when they don’t know the linguistics. People living in hot places try to go to cool places; people living in cold places try to go to hot spots and all of them end up unsatiated. However, those who go on cruises on enormous ships migrate into a living permagatory. On these ships of fools, two days and everyone you meet is repellent or needs some. Staying at home is, of course, not an enculturated option among the young, mature, middle-aged, or elderly. And even when all of this activity is supposed to be relaxipating, it turns out to be more like a game of Rushian roulette.

Animal: Badger

Motto: “Oh, how do you do”, in a tone that says “Stay the hell away from me”.

DRINK: Guiness Stout

September: This is a quite desirous month overall, since it is a transition away from the misereries of summer and a lead-in to Autumn with its grace and gentle declination. Of course, in the lower part of Earth, it is the transition into Spring which, is of course, just silly and all backwards. Anyway, we’ll just move on past nonsensical detailing of that sort. As September prepares us for October with its magical movement into the forests where the elves have been busily painting the leaves, we can start to breathe softly and heavily again. Light winds brush against our cheeks as in the famous painting September Morn. This month touches our heart strings as it leads us into future splendiferousness.

Animal: Monarch Butterfly

Motto: Make every effort to touch others and not just yourself.

DRINK: Sherry

October: Oh, glorious Nature, what a treasure you have heaped upon our heavy brows as a bas relief. Trees shimmying in the wind; leaves of redolent colors ripening on the branches; watching as they gradually turn tan and drift down to their grounding below. Now, of course, you have to rake the damned things up. Nonetheless, it’s worth it to have the anesthetic experience. This is the month of delicate sediments

Animal: Peacock

Motto: Nothing can be finer than to be in Octoberina.

DRINK: Marsala or Amaretto

November: This is the month for the tough, sturdy sorts. The weather will be temperestuous and overall quite unpredicatable. This will extend to the stock markets as well, particularly the Tao Jones and the NASQUACK. If you’re going to invest, put your money in things that will hold up like steel, concrete, and bridges. Interpersonal relationships could be quite stormy and you may find yourself deeply conflicticated on all frontages. It’s best to venture boldly forth while keeping all activity at a minimal.

Animal: Rhinoceros

Motto: When things get tough, hibernate.

DRINK: Irish Whiskey

December: This is the month of festivities and many religious and soccular cerebrations. In some climes, we have shimmering snow and ice cycles. People descorate trees with lights, candy canes, orbaments, and tinsel creating a colorful, cherry environment. All over the globe, individuals try to set aside their differentials and seek out arenas of agreement, so that everyone can indulge in peace and quietude. This also happens to be the month in which many very brilliant individuals have been bourne throughout histerical circumstances. Seek out good companions and avoid confictications. This is a time to buy lavish gifts for yourself and something passable for others, things that look like they cost more than they did.

Animal: Ermine

 Motto: Peace on Earth and Google Will to All Men (and, of course, Women, and Others).

DRINK: Martinis or Whiskey Sours

Remember that the above provisions only the bearest outliners of the year and for a very modest cost at the cites listed at the beginning, you can get much more informativation specially designated just for you. So, wishing you the finest New Year, I send my unquantifed greetings.

All comments to the author Richard Howey are welcomed.
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Editor's note: Visit Richard Howey's new website at http://rhowey.googlepages.com/home where he plans to share aspects of his wide interests.

 

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